TBG 150 Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the tv. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, “That was wonderful. Why did you stop?” He said, “I found the remote”. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TBG 150 Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts. A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat." He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself." ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TBG 150 Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his f***ing forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TBG 150 Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 So after landing a new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, George lasted less than a day...... About two hours into his first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As he had been instructed, George said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?' So he replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.' George's supervisor said he probably wasn't cut out for this line of work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TBG 150 Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 Subject: Two Alligators Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it." "Well," said the big Gator, "what have you been eating?" "Politicians, same as you," replied the small Gator. "Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?" "Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol." "Same here. Hmm.. How do you catch them?" "Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!" "Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StnCld316 Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dth Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses. When the pastor finished the sermon and everyone said their good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again. It was a Majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist. Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter. Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "Why are you laughing, Mister?" "I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied. "I'm a Gynecologist!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dth Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 One day, a little boy asked his father, "Daddy, where did I come from?" "Ah, my son, I guess you'll need to find out one day anyway," said the father. "Well, you see, your mom and I first got together in a chat-room on Voyeurweb. Then I set up a date via e-mail and we met at a cyber cafe. One thing led to another and we sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. "As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall and, since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little popup appeared and said: 'You've got male.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dth Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's fucking Goofy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Foamy T. Squirrel Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 Yes, it's a photobucket find. But I thought I'd add something to this thread. http://s34.photobucket.com/user/Lalyng/media/758820_10151273205121152_260532552_n_zps1884e34e.mp4.html?sort=3&o=0 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ARMY SNIPER Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 A woman was lying in bed,her husband enters the room standing in the doorway.he is carrying a sheep under one arm. Husband says...Here is the pig i've been screwing, wife says... Thats not a pig that's a sheep, husband says...I was talking to the sheep. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StnCld316 Posted June 24, 2014 Share Posted June 24, 2014 Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yep," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss's side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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