pulo filipe Posted February 27, 2022 Share Posted February 27, 2022 The boy was beaten by the neighbor, and the furious mother went to take satisfaction: Why did you hit my son? He was rude, and called me fat. And do you think you will lose weight by hitting him? 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
letsdothis Posted February 27, 2022 Share Posted February 27, 2022 I bought a book called, Anguished English. It's all about accidental assaults on the English language. Here are a few from the chapter about student bloopers. ______________________________________________________ "In 1957, Eugene O’Neill won a Pullet Surprise." Other students have given bizarre twists to history by asserting that Wyatt Burp and Wild Bill Hiccup were two great western marshals and that the inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes. Working independently, students have written, “Having one wife is called monotony,” “When a man has more than one wife, he is a pigamist,” “A man who marries twice commits bigotry,” and “Acrimony is what a man gives his divorced wife.” While one student reminisced, “Each Thanksgiving it is a tradition for my family to shoot peasants,” another observed, “In nineteenth century Russia, the pheasants led horrible lives.” And, reversing a g and q, a young man once wrote, “When a boy and a girl are deeply in love, there is no quilt felt between them.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted March 4, 2022 Share Posted March 4, 2022 Joke of the day 😁 A man was waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head! But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso popped out! The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms popped out! The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair. By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs popped out. The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over. The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while he was a head." 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted March 4, 2022 Share Posted March 4, 2022 Joke of the day 😉 A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answered the door. She proclaimed, "I want to join your biker club." The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asked her, "You have a bike?" The little old lady said, "Yea, that's my Harley over there," and points to a Harley parked in the driveway. The biker asked her, "Do you smoke?" The little old lady said "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool." The biker is impressed and asked, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?" The little old lady said, "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times." 😉 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted March 4, 2022 Share Posted March 4, 2022 Joke of the day 😉 A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn’t gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn’t fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, “…and you’re not going to believe this, but there’s guy on a 10-speed bike honking to pass. 😉 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nagachilli2 Posted March 4, 2022 Share Posted March 4, 2022 6 minutes ago, Aussie_oi_oi said: Joke of the day 😁 A man was waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head! But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso popped out! The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms popped out! The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair. By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs popped out. The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over. The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while he was a head." Absolutely brilliant joke!!...the best I've heard in ages. I'm literally crying laughing right now...😂 That might well go down in my 5 top jokes ever...Cheers mate... BTW...I hope you're well on the road to recovery now, and have put all your troubles behind you...👌 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pulo filipe Posted March 7, 2022 Share Posted March 7, 2022 There was a boy in the lost desert. When he went to try to eat the camel, he would straighten himself up and at the moment he would move away a little. Then walking he found a big woman being swallowed by quicksand. He saved her and then she said: - Ask me what you want me to do... The guy without thinking said: - Couldn't you hold the camel here just a minute for me... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted March 9, 2022 Share Posted March 9, 2022 Joke of the day 😉 two trees and a woodpecker It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one: Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'it is neither a son of a beech or a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into. 😉 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted March 9, 2022 Share Posted March 9, 2022 Joke of the day 😉 President Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv in a car when all of a sudden they hit a pig near a farmhouse, killing it instantly. Putin told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Putin sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of Horilka (Ukrainian vodka) in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn. "What happened to you?" asked Putin. "Well, the farmer gave me the Horilka, his wife gave me a box of cigars and their 19-year-old and 21-year-old daughters made mad passionate love to me simultaneously. "My God, what did you tell them?" asks Putin. The driver replies, "I'm president Putin’s driver, and I just killed the pig." 😉 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted March 9, 2022 Share Posted March 9, 2022 Joke of the day 😉 Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates. The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....Hell is waiting for... you. To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation. To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW. To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation. A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. "Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!" The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!" 😉 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted March 9, 2022 Share Posted March 9, 2022 Joke of the day 😉 Mr. Sampson asks his 6th grade class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?" Nobody raises a hand, so he calls on the first student to look his way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?" Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!" Mr. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. He asked the class the question again and this time Sam raised his hand. "Yes, Sam?" "Mr. Sampson, Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye." "Very good, Sam. Thank you." Mr. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have three things to tell you: First, it's clear that you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed. 😉 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted March 12, 2022 Share Posted March 12, 2022 Joke of the day 😉 BIOLOGY EXAM: Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk'. The question was worth 70 points or none at all. Little Johnny, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote: 1) It is perfect formula for the child. 2) It provides immunity against several diseases. 3) It is always the right temperature. 4) It is inexpensive. 5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa. 6) It is always available as needed. And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote: 7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it. He got an A+. 😉 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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