pulo filipe Posted January 29, 2022 Share Posted January 29, 2022 A couple were sleeping soundly like innocent babies. Suddenly, around three o'clock in the morning, they hear noises outside the room. The woman is startled and totally amazed says to the man: - Aaaaaiiiiii my God, it must be my husband! The guy gets up astonished and naked, jumps as best he can through the window and lands on top of a plant with thorns. In a few seconds he comes back and says:-Unfortunate ... your husband is me! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TBG 150 Posted January 29, 2022 Share Posted January 29, 2022 1 hour ago, Aussie_oi_oi said: Joke of the day One night 4 college students were partying until late and did not study for a test which was scheduled for the next day. In the morning, they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty as possible, with grease and dirt. They then went to the teacher and said that they had gone to a wedding last night and on their return, a tire burst on their car and they had to push the car all the way back home and that they were in no condition to do the test. The teacher kindly allowed them to do a re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time. On the third day, they went for their test. The teacher said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days... The test consisted of 1 single question, worth a total of 100........ Q. 1. Which tire? a) Front Left b) Front Right. c) Back Left d) Back Right That is a smart teacher. In today's world of education, the teacher would have been disciplined for not simply asking what color the tire was. Asking which position it was in is too difficult a question to answer. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted January 30, 2022 Share Posted January 30, 2022 Joke of the day An elderly couple was flying to Hawaii for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives.” Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later, the husband turns to his wife and asks, “Honey, did we pay the car bill this month?” “No, sweetheart,” she responds. Still shaken from the crash landing, he then asks, “Did we pay our credit card bill yet?” “Oh no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says. “One last thing, did you remember to pay the medical bill for the hospital visit last month?” he asks. “Oh, forgive me, sweetheart,” begged the wife. “I didn’t send that one, either.” The husband grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 50 years. She pulls away and asks him, “What was the hug for?” The husband answers, “They’ll find us!” 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted January 30, 2022 Share Posted January 30, 2022 Joke of the day A straight guy walks into a bar and a couple steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says, "I really want a drink." When the transvestite waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?" The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink." The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called 'Nike,' for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his 'Snickers,' because 'It really Satisfies." The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. The customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!" A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?" The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because 'Quality is Job 1.' " Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?" Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'Secret.' Now give me my beer." The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?" The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!" 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pulo filipe Posted January 30, 2022 Share Posted January 30, 2022 The bar owner was already fed up with the drunk, who came there every day to get drunk. In one of those, when the drunk asked for another Boot, he poured acid into the glass. The drunk took it, made a face, said this is strong, huh? and left, staggering. Several days passed and the drunk did not appear again. The bar owner was even worried, thinking that he had killed the unfortunate man. One night, the drunk reappears, already switching legs, and asks for a drink. The bar owner serves the cachaça, the drunk drinks it, makes a face, and says: - Not this one, I want the one that when we pee, it fills the sidewalk with a little hole... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted February 2, 2022 Share Posted February 2, 2022 Joke of the day An old farmer drove to a neighbor's and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. The farmer asked, "Is your Dad home?" The boy replied, "No sir, he isn't; he went to town." The farmer said, "Well, is your Mother here?" The boy said, "No sir, she went to town with Dad." The farmer said, "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" The boy said, "No sir, He went with Mom and Dad." The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself. The boy said, "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message." "Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant." The boy thought for a moment, "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard." 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pepsicom1 Posted February 2, 2022 Share Posted February 2, 2022 good, excellent 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
letsdothis Posted February 7, 2022 Share Posted February 7, 2022 Billy: I asked my dog three questions, and he got two of them right. Trevor: What three questions? Billy: I asked what covers a tree, and he said bark. I asked him what the texture of bark is, and he said ruff. I then asked him if he knew what the winning lottery numbers are next Saturday night? Trevor: He missed the lottery number question, right? Billy: I don't know, I'll tell you on Sunday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted February 16, 2022 Share Posted February 16, 2022 Joke of the day 😉 According to a news report, a certain private school in Brisbane was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers.... and then there are educators 😉 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted February 16, 2022 Share Posted February 16, 2022 Joke of the day 😉 Wise nun 2 nuns went to shop at the market. They were taking so long so one said , Sister Mary it is getting dark and we are so far away from the convent. I know Sister Rose but there is a man following us. Oh! What does he want. He wants his wicked way with us. What can we do. Let's separate. You go left and I will go right. He followed Sister Rose. Sister Mary reached the convent and became worried. After an hour Sister Rose appeared. What happed? , I started to run and so did he. And then? He caught up with me. Oh my God. And what did you do. I lifted up my dress Sister! And what did he do. Dropped his pants. And then? Its obvious isn't it. A nun with her dress lifted up can run faster than a man with his pants down. If you thought of a different ending Do 180 Hail Marys and 320 Our Fathers and ask God to clean your filthy mind 😉 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pulo filipe Posted February 19, 2022 Share Posted February 19, 2022 The 190 policeman answered the phone and wrote down the call for help: - Please send someone urgently, a cat entered the house !! - But how so? A cat at home? - A cat!!! He broke into my house and is walking towards me!!! - But how so? You mean a thief? - NO ! I'm talking about a real cat, the one that goes 'meow, meow', and he's coming my way!!! - You have to come now!!!! - But what more has a cat to go in your direction? - He's going to kill me, come on!!! And you will be the culprits!!! - Who is talking? - The parrot, damn it!!! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
letsdothis Posted February 21, 2022 Share Posted February 21, 2022 Last night, a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of eighty-two. I’m easily lead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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