albundy1089 Posted September 14, 2021 Share Posted September 14, 2021 A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he would like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.” 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ARMY SNIPER Posted September 14, 2021 Share Posted September 14, 2021 3 hours ago, albundy1089 said: A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he would like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.” 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted September 15, 2021 Share Posted September 15, 2021 Joke of the day A major international company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search Down to three people from different parts of the world. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job. The question was: "A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?" After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers. The first, from the USA , says "My answer is, there IS no answer." The second, from England, says "My answer is that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given." The third one, from Australia, says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer?" The Australian got the job. 1 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted September 15, 2021 Share Posted September 15, 2021 Three nuns die and go to heaven. They are greeted by St Peter, who informs them that everyone entering heaven must pass an intelligence test, but since they were nuns and had devoted their lives to Jesus, the questions would be really easy. St Peter turned to the first nun and said, “Name three of Jesus’ disciples.” “Oh that’s easy,” the first nun replied, “Matthew, John, and James.” The bells rang and the lights flashed and the pearly gates opened and the first nun entered. St Peter turned to the second nun and asked, “Who was Moses?” The nun confidently replies, “Moses led the Israelites out of Egypt into the promised land.” The bells rang and the lights flashed and the pearly gates opened a second time and the second nun entered. Finally, St Peter addresses the third nun. “What was the first thing Eve said when she saw Adam?” The third nun paused for a moment and muttered, “Gosh, that’s a hard one.” And the bells rang and the lights flashed and the pearly gates opened. 1 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
albundy1089 Posted September 15, 2021 Share Posted September 15, 2021 So I asked my friend, "what does STFU mean?" "Shut the fuck up," he responded. He didn't have to be so harsh, he could've just told me to go away. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
albundy1089 Posted September 15, 2021 Share Posted September 15, 2021 Joe dies and finds himself standing in front of Satan. "Oh no!!", he says, "Am I in Hell?" "Yes," replies Satan, "but it's not as bad as you think. I'll show you the joint." Joe looks around, notices that they are standing in a lush green field, with bountiful fruit trees, and fluffy clouds in an azure shy. Satan says, "Not bad right? Now, over there we have the tennis courts, and beyond that is the golf course. That way is the Olympic size swimming pool, next to the beach and marina, where you can take any kind of boat out, any time you want. "This way are the theaters and stadiums." Joe can't believe it. Then, he sees a gated off area, behind which is a pool of lava as far as the eye can see, and there's thousands of people drowning, burning, and crying in agony. "OK, now that's what I thought Hell would be like!", says Joe. Satan chuckles and replies, "Nah, we just do that for the Christians. For some reason they like it." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted September 17, 2021 Share Posted September 17, 2021 Joke of the day Two managers are going over their budget for the next year. After analyzing expenses and revenues, they come to the conclusion that they will have to lay off one of their two assistants, Jack or Jane. They go back and forth but can't decide who to lay off. Finally, one manager decides that they should lay off the first person who gets up from their desk. In the meantime, Jane is hard at work but suddenly gets a headache. She gets some aspirin from her desk drawer and gets up from her desk to get some water. One of the managers gets up to break the bad news to Jane. Manager, "Jane, I need to talk to you. I've got a problem. I either need to lay you or Jack off..." Jane, "Well, jack-off. I've got a headache." 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nagachilli2 Posted September 17, 2021 Share Posted September 17, 2021 3 hours ago, Aussie_oi_oi said: Joke of the day Two managers are going over their budget for the next year. After analyzing expenses and revenues, they come to the conclusion that they will have to lay off one of their two assistants, Jack or Jane. They go back and forth but can't decide who to lay off. Finally, one manager decides that they should lay off the first person who gets up from their desk. In the meantime, Jane is hard at work but suddenly gets a headache. She gets some aspirin from her desk drawer and gets up from her desk to get some water. One of the managers gets up to break the bad news to Jane. Manager, "Jane, I need to talk to you. I've got a problem. I either need to lay you or Jack off..." Jane, "Well, jack-off. I've got a headache." 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
albundy1089 Posted September 17, 2021 Share Posted September 17, 2021 Old but still funny So a man and his lawyer are called by the IRS for the man to be audited... The auditor asks the man: "You lead an amazingly extravagant lifestyle yet you have no job. How do you expect us to believe you're not hiding something from us?" The man claims that he makes his money gambling, which the IRS agent still finds to be fishy, so he says, "Here, I'll prove it to you, I bet you $1000 that I can bite my eye!" "Deal!" cries the auditor, thinking there's no way he can lose. The man proceeds to pull out his glass eye and chomp down on it. The auditor is aghast when the man says: "Alright, now I bet you $2000 that I can bite my other eye." Desperate to get his money back the IRS agent agrees. The man pulls out his dentures and bites his other eye. The auditor is a wreck by now, he's just lost $3000 dollars to this guy with the lawyer as a witness. The man says, "Alright, last one, double or nothing. I bet I can stand on this side of your desk and pee into that trash can over there without getting a single drop in between!" And again, the desperate auditor agrees, thinking the task impossible. The man stands up, unzips his pants, and pees all over the auditor's desk. The auditor is ecstatic, but the lawyer is starting to cry. When the auditor asks why he says: "When he told me he had to come to be audited he bet me $20,000 that he could pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!" 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
letsdothis Posted September 17, 2021 Share Posted September 17, 2021 The judge warned the witness, “Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?” “I do.” “Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?” “Sure,” said the witness. “My side will win.” 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted September 18, 2021 Share Posted September 18, 2021 Joke of the day An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves. The lad asked, "What is this, father?" The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls. The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out. The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother." 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TBG 150 Posted September 18, 2021 Share Posted September 18, 2021 Another oldie, but goodie! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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