nagachilli2 Posted July 19, 2020 Share Posted July 19, 2020 The other day a bloke knocked on my door and said ''have you ever thought of another energy supplier?'' I said no, I'm quite happy with FOOD...😏 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyChappie Posted July 20, 2020 Share Posted July 20, 2020 What's green and smells like pork? Kermit the frog's finger. 🙂 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyChappie Posted July 20, 2020 Share Posted July 20, 2020 How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips? As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty. 🙂 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nagachilli2 Posted July 20, 2020 Share Posted July 20, 2020 I recently put on loads of weight. So I phoned Weightwatchers and asked if they could send somebody round...They said ''yes, we've got loads of them''...😏 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyChappie Posted July 20, 2020 Share Posted July 20, 2020 “A little boy and his friends are being called bastards and bitches by bullies at school. The boy goes home and asks, "Dad, what are bastards and bitches?" And his dad replies, "Bitches are ladies and bastards are gentlemen." Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mom. As he enters the room, he accidentally drops a perfume bottle, and his mom says, "Shit!" "Mom, what is shit?" and she says, "Perfume." So he goes to see his dad (who is carving a chicken), and his dad cuts himself and yells, "Fuck!" The boy asks, "Dad, what does fuck mean?" and dad says "preparing." Then he follows his dad upstairs. A few minutes later his mom and dad are about to have sex when his dad says, "Where are the condoms?" The little boy asks, "What are condoms?" and his father says, "Condoms are coats and jackets." The following night his father invites over some important business clients. The boy opens the door for them and says, "Hello! Please come in, Bastards and bitches. Hang your condoms up here, my mom is upstairs rubbing shit on her face and my dad is downstairs fucking the chicken.” 🙂 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyChappie Posted July 20, 2020 Share Posted July 20, 2020 “A small boy asks his Dad, "Daddy, what is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit." 🙂 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TBG 150 Posted July 20, 2020 Share Posted July 20, 2020 Both oldies, but always goodies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alexandria Posted July 21, 2020 Share Posted July 21, 2020 A woman finds out her husband is cheating on her, so she decides to leave him a present. When he gets home, he finds an empty house, a bowl of cookies, and a video. He scarfs down the cookies, and pops in the video. On TV, he sees his wife sucking his best friends dick. He cums in her mouth, and she immediately spits the cum into a bowl of cookie dough. Then she turns to the camera. "Oh, hello, I want a divorce." 😂 8 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alexandria Posted July 22, 2020 Share Posted July 22, 2020 There is no wine holder on my vacuum cleaner. It's like it wasn't even designed for women. How can I be expected to work under these conditions? I've trained my dog to bring me red wine. It's a Bordeaux collie. Overheard in a restaurant: He: "This wine is described as full bodied and imposing with a nutty base, sharp bite, and a bitter aftertaste." Her: "Are you describing the wine or your mother?" 😁 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyChappie Posted July 22, 2020 Share Posted July 22, 2020 Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated. The following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing. "How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?" "I didn't have to," Steve replied. "Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady Snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'. When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want,' So, Here I am!" 🙂 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyChappie Posted July 22, 2020 Share Posted July 22, 2020 One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex. The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops. “What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer. “Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.” The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.” The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?” The little girl replies, “Because mommy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.” 🙂 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyChappie Posted July 22, 2020 Share Posted July 22, 2020 A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?" "Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either." 🙂 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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