Jokes #2

[ARMY SNIPER]

11 hours ago, letsdothis said:

The conceited young man had been in the hospital for some time and had been extremely well looked after by the pretty young nurse.

"Nurse," said the patient, one morning. "I'm in love with you. I don't want to get well."

"Don't worry," replied the nurse cheerfully, "you won't. The doctor's in love with me too, and he saw you kissing me this morning."

[albundy1089]

A man and his wife are feeling like their sex life is getting stale

They’ve already tried just about everything, so after some discussion they decide to really mix it up and try ear sex.

They plan a special night for it and when the night comes, they put the kids to bed and get ready for sexy times.

They start normally and work up to the ear penetration and they find that they’re actually both enjoying it quite a bit more than they expected. It doesn’t take long for the man to get close to completion but just as he’s about to finish, his wife wife pushes him off and tells him to stop, quickly covering herself.

Naturally, he’s concerned and immediately asks her what happened. After a brief hesitation she responds:

“I’m sorry babe, I could have sworn I heard someone coming!”

[TBG 150]

That was so stupid tht it was funny. 😆

[letsdothis]

I was sitting in a Chinese restaurant last night, and it suddenly went dark. The waiter came over and said: "You all need to start clapping!"

"What a weirdo," I thought.

Anyway, we all started to clap and the lights came on!

I said: "How did that happen?"

He replied: "Old Chinese proverb, many hands make light work."

[letsdothis]

Why do people hate getting up early in Athens?

Because Dawn is tough on Greece.

[albundy1089]

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that their 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it is.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes, it is..”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball glove.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the glove was again?”
Boy: ‟$750.”
Man: ‟Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, ‟Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!”
The boy says, ‟I can't. I sold them.”
The father asks, ‟How much did you sell them for?”
The son says, ‟$1,000.”
The father says, ‟It's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, ‟Gosh it's dark in here.”
The priest says, ‟Do not start that shit again.”

[albundy1089]

A naked woman jumps into a taxi. The taxi driver stares at her, looking her over from top to bottom. The woman is offended and asks the taxi driver "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The taxi driver responds: "Oh, it's not the fact that you're naked that bothers me."

"Then why are you looking at me that way?"

"Well, ma'am, I'm looking at you and thinking, 'Where the hell is this lady keeping the money to pay for this ride?'"

[albundy1089]

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $5,000.00 on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice. Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know I thought YOU were watching!"

[ARMY SNIPER]

10 hours ago, albundy1089 said:

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $5,000.00 on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice. Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know I thought YOU were watching!"

Uh Huh!  Pay attention guys (probably works every time)

[StnCld316]

Two gays went to a bar to have a couple of drinks, the one said to the other can I shove your stool in for you.  

[Aussie_oi_oi]

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. "I guess it just leaves an impression."

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

[albundy1089]

Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him they need to abolish time zones.

"Why"? Putin asks

" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM in the morning, but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."

"Indeed" Putin replies "but that's only minor stuff. Remember when that Polish plane crashed with the president aboard? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet!!"